Revised: Permission to Try Softer
When asked what the number one resource or book I would recommend, hands down every time I say Aundi Kolber’s book called “Trying Softer.” It has been life-changing and challenging. Her book does an excellent job expressing what trauma is and the impact it has on our nervous system and bodies.
She explores attachment styles and how our styles are directly correlated to our upbringing and the styles that our parents portrayed with us—a fact that can be difficult fact to grapple with, but it does not have to define your future. For myself, being adopted and moving from various places from two-years-old until I was around nine-years-old, I was so frustrated when I learned about the research of attachment. My frustration stemmed from how unjust and unfair it felt to have to grapple with this reality: I didn’t get the same start as some of my peers did, who I thought experienced perfect attachment. Little did I know that all families had their struggles, whether you were adopted or not. There was this part of me that always wondered if there was a better family out there; the things I had seen and experienced were counter to what the research said is the best environment to grow in. Of course, with time, I was able to listen and hear the countless stories of peers whose upbringing mirrored some of my own feelings and fears, but get this—they were with their biological family! I came to the realization that all families have dynamics and dysfunction to work through. We could all benefit from the understanding that we all have things to work on. This helped me feel a little less different and a whole lot more hopeful.
Reading Aundi Kolber’s book, Try Softer, felt like a beautiful, long-awaited breathe of fresh air. This whole idea of try softer is eye-opening. Here I am, a let’s-go-at-this-issue-with-alllllllll-my-strength, only to realize my nervous system isn’t always ready for that. The idea of trying softer is giving myself the permission to not stop the work, but to address it with a different approach. I’ve been trained as a therapist and reading Try Softer was the first time I’ve heard of this idea to stop trying harder. What’s most interesting to me is that I can see how a plant, in order to grow fully and produce good fruit, goes through this lengthy, tedious process of being shifted, pruned, watered and more to only be given the space to rest. It gets the daily nutrients and food needed from the sun, water and fertilizer and then it’s left alone do the beautiful, SLOW process of growth. It dawned on me—why don’t we give ourself this same grace? We can tangibly see how plants go through seasons as well. There’s the death, dormancy and intentional rest in Winter, the preparation and planting in Spring, the watering, toiling and pruning of Summer and the beauty of harvest in Fall. Having plants at home has helped me to try softer.
Process is often my hardest time in anything (creating, cooking, cleaning etc). I love restoration, a good before and after, but the process to get to that after often feels daunting. I’ve since learned to break things down in a way that makes tasks more manageable. The slow, intentional steps are what’s the beauty of process and it helps me get through process, but I still don’t like the process. I’m taking this beautiful nugget of truth to try softer as a daily approach, remembering that regardless of the outcome I am being healed and transformed by the One who holds everything.
I’m giving myself permission to continue to try softer and I invite you, dear reader, to give yourself permission to do the same. What would trying softer look like for you?
“The idea of trying softer is giving myself the permission to not stop the work, but to address it with a different approach.”
